Boy was I a sucker this year. A toy commercial would come on while I was fixing dinner and inevitably the kids would want it on their list. “Easy!” I say to myself walking over to the computer and hitting purchase from Amazon, patting myself on the back with one hand while flipping an organic turkey burger with the other. Are the toys ever as cool as they appear on TV? Of course not. What I had just done was one of the most insanely idiotic Christmas acts ever. At no point did I buy anything even close to a great gift. I am awarded no points, and may God have mercy on my soul…
“Giggle Wiggle plays music as players race to fill his 20 hands with marbles!”
First, it’s impossible to play. Next, the marbles don’t stay in their holder and can be found in various places all over our living room. Lastly, the sound it makes is so mind-numbingly repetitive I hear it in my nightmares. I’d love to give it away but that would require bending down on the floor and looking for 30 marbles under the couch.
“The memory and matching game. Match 3 to win!”
Great idea! Let’s have plastic ducks “swim” around a plastic pond and see who picks the right 3 ducks first. This game lasts about 30 frenzied seconds and induces sibling scratching. Plus, the ducks get all jammed up on this Made In China-cost $2.50 to make but retails for $20-sorry excuse for a toy. Oh and have fun putting 25 minuet duck-eye stickers on or be prepared to stare at soul-less looking characters for 30 seconds of your life you’ll never get back. Maybe you can train your fingers to peel off the speck-of-dirt sized stickers by playing Giggle Wiggle. Can these ducks die a slow death in a trash compactor somewhere?
Pie Face Showdown Game
Load the arm with whip cream, rapidly mash the button, and try not to get it in the face? Was I drunk when I purchased this!?
Can anyone pray-tell what the point of Shopkins are? Even my daughter said to her friend the other day “You want to play Shopkins!?” to which the friend responded, “Sure! What do we do?” Radio silence. I’ll tell you what you can do with these – nothing, except clean them up from your car, your daughter’s room, and every nook and cranny possible in your house. And once they start they don’t stop; oh no these things multiply like herpes. Maybe I’ll get all weird with them and put them under glass in storage somewhere then try to sell them in 2069 for $9,000. At least then they will bring me some purpose?
Bump n Bounce Body Bumpers
“Bounce off each other, and everything else in sight!” How on God’s green earth did I think this was ever going to end well. Put a sister and a brother into giant inflatable bubbles INSIDE the house and let them have at it. But the kids on the TV were having so much fun. Yea, OUTSIDE. Christmas season gift FAIL. (Also, just try blowing these up without passing out.)
Barbie Pop-Up Camper Vehicle
Now for $80 you TOO can get “glam-ping” with over 250 cheap plastic parts, chairs that won’t lock in place, and doors that are impossible to latch! Make sure to have a (not-included) Barbie doll at the ready whose knees don’t bend so she can’t sit in the front seat to drive! This toy has everything you need to get so frustrated after spending 4 hours setting it up that you never want to play with it again!