10. Newborns poop. A lot. Like every time they eat, they poop. (Can you imagine if adults did that?) Related: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I like the smell of newborn, breastfed poop! Reminds me of buttered popcorn.
9. Newborns are feisty. Well, mine are anyway. I see pictures of newborns that are asleep peacefully, no swaddle, no pacifier, just hands up, eyes closed, straight chillin’. With the family dog. On top of a picture-perfect blanket that looks comfortable but is definitely sneeze-inducing. Next to a sibling. What!?
I do not give birth to babies like this. My newborns need to be swaddled in a Hannibal-Lector kind of way. They don’t fall asleep anywhere and everywhere in an adorable manner, they need to be put down for official parent-directed naps on the hour otherwise we’d have an “eh, eh ehhing” stressed out overtired baby on our hands. Check out my crazy but amazing swaddling technique demo using Decker as a baby, here. You can buy those blankets, here.
8. Newborns have skin like 15 year olds. Get in those family photos before they turn a month old to avoid the dried-out-teenager-acne-face look. (Oops? “Thanks Mom. Way to time that. You go soak yourself in liquid for 9 months and then hit the air. See what you look like.”)
7. Newborns don’t sleep. “My baby is sleeping through the night!” Yeaaaah right, I call bull. Newborns like to eat – a lot. Like, every 2 hours a lot. Mine eats every 2-3 hours at night and then goes right back down to sleep thanks to my crazy but amazing swaddle technique BUT – Newborns SHOULDN’T be sleeping through the night so stop bragging if they are. (Can you tell I’m tired?)
6. Newborns attract A LOT of attention. I much prefer this kind of attention vs. the “attention” you get when you are 9 months pregnant. Thanks for taking the spotlight off my enormous body, kiddo.
5. Newborns smell nice, until they don’t. (Old dried milk in neck folds, anyone? A belly button odor that reminds you of rotting fish? Anyone? No? )
4. Newborns cry a lot, but don’t shed tears.
3. Newborns have a soft spot on their heads that can be terrifying to watch pulsate.
2. Newborns are like drunk old men. They fart and cough at the same time. They make funny faces. They arch their backs. They have zero head control. They furrow their brows. They have the munchies. They cry. They get crazy and loud at night. They can’t hide their feelings. They will try to suck on anyones boobs at any given time.
1. Newborns have a natural way of sneaking into your soul. They have an uncanny ability to intertwine it with their own. And then they’ll go and steal your heart right away…