fbpx
Uncategorized

TALES FROM a WARM GLASS OF SHUT THE HELL UP

1 Permalink

The other day I was standing outside my yoga studio watering the plants.  A plump 75-ish year old woman put a hand on my shoulder, turned me around and asked: “When are you due, dear?”  With a pleasant smile I responded: “October X.”  Her friendly expression immediately turned to a frown as she looked down at me and said: “Oh my, you are REALLY big.”   “That doesn’t sound like a compliment” I shot back.  76 YO Chubby Woman: “It wasn’t meant to be dear, it’s just the truth.  Are you having twins?”  Me: “Nope.”  77 YO Chunkster: “Is this your first?”  Me: “Nope.”  78 YO Porker: “Great, so this is old hat for you.”  Me: “Sure, old hat. I even wrote a book about it.”  79 YO Fat Ass: “Well the book must be about yoga and how to have a baby naturally, then?”  Me (smile returning): “No, actually…it’s about conversations like the one we are having right now.” 

Why is it when people see a pregnant woman they lose all sense of a filter they may have once had?  It’s like our bellies turn into bull’s eyes that say PLACE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS HERE.  If you live under a rock (in these days that means not checking your Facebook feed every 15 minutes)  then you missed an epic game of “What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman.”  I included the comments below.  Feel free to refer to them any time you are insulted mercilessly.  Maybe it will help you feel like you are not alone.   Thank you to everyone who shared and congrats to the winner who endured this comment, from a complete strange in an elevator: 

“Well, it looks like your milk is coming in nicely.” 

And here comes the shameless plug: If you are a fan of reading the stories posted on this blog or follow my Facebook page, I would be forever grateful if you picked up a copy of my new book, Misadventures in Mommyhood.  You can purchase it here,  or if you’d like it signed simply email kqsales@gmail.com with your address then send a check for $14.00 to: Barefoot Ventures LLC 404 East Third Street Boston MA 02127.

__________________________________

Our Latest Facebook Contest:  

– Said to me when an ignorant gentleman found out I was having twins: “Twins? If my wife ever gave me twins, I’d run for the hills.”

– “Well, I guess if your doctor is ok with your weight gain, then we should be too.”

– “You’re spreading” after looking at my hips. SPREADING!?!?

– An obese woman at work saw me getting a bag of Cheetos from the vending machine and said, “Ah, you’re starting him off with junk already, huh?

– “Well *I* didn’t look that pregnant when I was that far along!”

– I was working and was mentioning that I had a 2 year old. A pervy man winked at me and said ‘youve been busy’… i sweetly smiled and said, what do you mean?

– Co-worker to me….wow pregnancy sure is good to you “baby got back” and even started singing that song to me. 

– I was 8 months pregnant when someone at Wal-Mart asked…. “Are you pregnant?” And of course me being the smart-ass i am said “OMG!! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN????”

 – The nurse at my PCP’s office asked me while I was 7months pregnant if I was using and birth control

– After a new co-worker figured out i was 7.5 months pregnant he says “Oh, I wasn’t sure if you were pregnant or just chubby.”

– When I was about 8 months pregnant, I made a home care visit to a patient (diagnosed with emphysema) who was chain smoking the entire time I was in his home. About a half hr into the visit he says “Oh, how rude of me…I haven’t even offered you one” – as he holds out the pack of cigarettes! Ummm, no thanks!!

– The ultrasound tech who told we were having a boy….or a well hung girl….way to ruin the moment lady!

– Some guy in the elevator on the way to my Dr appointment said “you really have another month to go?? Good luck getting it out!”

– Drunk dude by North Station to me, yesterday: “Is it a boy or a girl?” I just smiled and continued along. “Judging from the size of your ass, I’d say girl!” I swung around. “What did you just say?” “You’re having a girl!”  “And why did you say you think that?” I demanded. “ESP.” Smart man. “You’re right,” I said. And waddled my wide ass all the way home.

– I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and I was at Binny’s shopping for Christmas gifts (love giving liqueur for gifts), it was on a day with all those sample people were there with hard liqueur and wines and they kept asking me if I wanted a sample… Awkward! No I don’t drink while pregnant.

– Two weeks before my due date I went to a good friend’s wedding. There was a woman there who became my nemesis. First comment: “wow, so you’ve really gained weight everywhere. I remember. . . blah blah” (she has never met me before, kept me cornered for 20 very awkward minutes regaling me about her pregnancies) A little while later, bc now we were best friends “You’re going to be really late, I just know it, you’re going to go way past your due date” (at that point I wanted to have that baby on the dance floor I was so over being pregnant). And finally, even later and drunker still she caps off the night with “Don’t worry, you’ll finally get some boobs when your milk comes in.” Charming.

– I was 8 mos pregnant and I ordered (my one daily) iced coffee at dunkin donuts and a very large woman in front of me picking out her donuts glared at me and said “You’re pregnant! You shouldn’t be drinking coffee!” in a really nasty way. I immediately threw back “well, you’re fat. Maybe you shouldn’t be eating donuts!”. I was so mortified that it came out of my mouth that I threw money on the counter, and said “sorry, hormones!”. I ran to my car and called my mother, sobbing that I had been so incredibly unkind to some (albeit nosy and judgy) woman. My mother couldn’t stop laughing.

– Went for a physical when my oldest was 4 months old and found out I was pregnant. The doctor’s way of telling me, “You guys are like rabbits!”

– I was 5 months pregnant and a bridesmaid in my bff’s wedding. A guest came up to me and said “So you’re the pregnant one”. I replied yes and smiled thinking what an odd thing to say. She continues on saying “well you don’t look bad… I mean, you can’t really tell” still smiling I said that I didn’t mind that I was showing. (I’m 32 and married, it’s not like I’m 16 and knocked up). I think she realized how bitchy she sounded and just kept saying “oh, yeah, it’s not a BAD thing. ” Thanks lady.

– Minus all the comments of, “are you SURE your not having twins?” I was a couple days before my due date I was walking into the grocery store. An older man looked at my belly first then at me me, pointed to my belly, and said “are you sure you should be here alone?” Like it was normal….i replied “my mommy is with me,” as she was 10 steps behind me! Would have been great if my water broke right there!

– First ultrasound after a positive pregnancy test…. Tech is dead silent the whole time, however was moving the stick on my belly very fast. Finally I asked her to just tell me if there is a heartbeat or not. She said “well I see one over here and another over there”. All I could think is “Stop Counting”!!!!

– I was days away from delivering my third child and I was huge no doubt about it. So as I was wobbling to my other child’s show at his preschool I walked by two 80 something year old ladies dressed in their Sunday best whispering in their not so quiet voices (and I quote) “did you see that girl she’s a load” I kept walking shocked and giggling that people even use that word! But then they stopped and yelled to me … (Now politely) “excuse me you must be having a baby when are you due” my response “NOW!”

– I was getting my son out of his car seat at my parents’ and a neighbor yelled over to me loudly, “Hey! Are you carrying that baby in your ASS? It looks like it.” Incidentally, I’ve got 9 wks to go and my ASS has grown exponentially out of spite.

 

www.facebook.com/misadventuresinmommyhood

Read More Post in this category

NEVER MISS A POST.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Thank you for subscribing!

NEVER MISS A POST.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Thank you for subscribing!

NEVER MISS A POST.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Thank you for subscribing!