I don’t watch the news on TV. It’s not because I’m trying to make a grand stand for or against something; it’s a protective measure really. It stems from a need to safeguard my often fragile disposition, especially now that I’m a parent. Three years ago I was downstairs (pregnant with my son) while my 2 year old daughter napped upstairs. I got a text from someone that told me to turn on the news immediately. Reluctant, I did, and became glued to it for 4 days straight. Tears that seemed to come from the bottom of my belly poured out of me uncontrollably. I walked the three flights of stairs in our Boston condo sobbing and woke my daughter up early. I gripped her to my chest and sat on the floor. I thought about those kids and their own nap times and play times and memories and misadventures. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that sometimes things happen that we can’t control but I will live the rest of my life trying to protect her. She didn’t understand me. I didn’t understand the world.
It’s been three years since the Sandy Hook tragedy. I have nothing profound to say. I don’t even know how to title this post. Now Donald has “trumped” the anniversary story on CNN.com but we are still left raw with our hearts caught in our throats. How do you wrap your brain around something like this as a parent? How do you feel in control? How do you get past the fear? Maybe the answer is we don’t. Maybe the answer is to instead live as presently as we can. To embrace the fun parts, and the not-so-fun parts, the mediocre parts and the exciting parts. Because even getting to have all those parts is the true gift.
You will always be the top story in our minds Sandy Hook.
We will never forget.
Every parent that ever was.