My baby boy is turning 1. Where did the time go?
I can tell you exactly where the time went, my little one.
It went in the days after you were born when we walked on eggshells. The nervous energy that comes with having a newborn rushing back into our veins. It was in the late nights staring at your features in the dark while you nursed, getting to know the outline of your foreign body. The time went by in the day you first smiled and the day your first tooth popped up. It was in the hours I spent gazing at your perfect dimple and wondering how it came to be while falling in love with your signature slow blink.
It went in the long days we spent together in the Winter. Waiting for the nano seconds that seemed to pass so slowly before we saw Daddy come up the street. It went by in that split second I punched a wall from sleep deprivation. In the moments I spent feeling guilty: watching you do something new (and knowing it wasn’t quite the same as watching it for the first time), peeking over at you playing alone (knowing I was spending less time on the ground), opting to stay home instead of going to music class (something that your sister would have never missed) and in the times I protected you from her jealous kicks (or comforted you when I could not get there fast enough.)
The time went by in your naps when I rushed to get everything done and your “up” times when I tried to slow it all down. It went by in the time we spent doing errands together and in the meetings you would accompany me with while I watched you grow out of the corner of my eye.
The time went by when you were sick and clung to me. And In the time I was so sick but couldn’t skip caring for you in the wee hours. It was then I realized your body wasn’t foreign anymore. That I had memorized every little detail…because it went by in the times I kissed your belly and your feet and the tip of your nose…
The time went by in your laughs and in my laughs. In your tears and in my tears. The sleepless nights I spent worrying about you and your sister and the daydreams I had about the wonderful potential of your futures. It went by in weekends spent as a new family of four. Trying to make it work in the city and realizing it wasn’t. It went by in snuggles in our bed; the sensation of pure, powerful love when you’d put your arms around us. The time went by when you rested your head on my shoulder and I told myself I’d keep that spot for you forever.
This was the reality of your first year, my little man. I haven’t forgotten a moment of it. I was present; and I always will be.
Happy 1st Birthday, Decker Patrick Quinn.