Mommyhood

OMG LOL = WTF.

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OMG. LOL. WTF. Are your kids into these tiny bastard bug-eyed surprise dolls? The ones that are wrapped inside plastic bags that also come with accessories additionally wrapped in plastic bags and then all those little plastic bags are wrapped in a hard plastic shell which is THEN encased in more plastic packaging?

If you’re lucky you might get one that comes in a LOCKED plastic shell. Here you’ll need 40 minutes, a shot of vodka, and a boatload of patience before you even GET to the plastic baggie part. You think we need to ban straws to save the turtles? I’m pretty sure this packaging could take down an entire pod of whales. SURPRISE! LOL! You killed a whale. But really, who needs oceans and whales when we have dolls that laugh so hard they cry when you squeeze them? Oh, the majestic beasts!

Did you know these dolls have heads that will pop off if you squeeze them too hard? I found this out the hard way when I was rummaging through my bag and pulled out a headless body. “Mom where is the head??” they screamed when they saw me clutching the carcass. I closed my purse and dramatically yelled back “What’s in the box!? What’s in the booooooxxx??” Needless to say they didn’t understand nor did they find my Brad Pitt movie reference amusing; but shit did I make myself snort.

Did I mention these dolls heads are COVERED in glitter? (Did I mention that I hate glitter?) These dolls also drink coffee. COFFEE. My house is covered with tiny plastic skinny dolls covered in glitter with ill proportioned eyes drinking coffee that cry when you squeeze them. Jesus, it’s like college mornings all over again.

Warning: the “Pet” version of these bastard balls come with a mini sandbox. After opening the sandbox’s own plastic case you have to dig through to get to the (there goes another polar bear!) surprise at the bottom of the sand. Now my car is covered in sand and I can’t even say I’ve been to the GD beach.

In conclusion, I’d literally rather drive thru McDonalds and order 10 happy meals for the same cost as ONE of these cheap plastic whale-killing bug-eyed evil vixen coffee-drinking dolls. I wouldn’t even have to cook to boot!

LOL dolls you make me want to do ANYTHING but. And I’m jealous of your coffee. BRB, headed to McDonalds.

-MIM-

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