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Mommyhood

ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN: A REFLECTION

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This might sound a little weird, but last night I was laying in bed almost asleep (not the weird part) and felt like I had transported ahead 10 years.  I was a Mom to a 18, 16, and 13 year old.  It was surreal and real all at the same time.  I was reminiscing about the way he used to call her “Play-gie” and how diligent he followed in her imaginative world.  I thought about the feel of his dimply little arm across my belly when he got tired on the couch.  Did I stay long enough?  I remembered the sound of his feet coming down the hall, seeking comfort from a bad dream.  Did I let him be little long enough?  I thought back to the first time she conquered the monkey bars and kept wanting to show me.  I saw it, didn’t I?  I reflected on a time when little kids equaled little problems and their safety and happiness was kept securely under my control.

You see, we are so in it.  The day to day.  It’s easy to think things will never change when we’re here.   But we can’t help but notice in friends commenting on how big they are.  We can’t pretend not to see the difference in the photos from last year.  We measure in chunks, “Summer” and plan for future events, “Vacation” but things are changing in the now.  This little half-dream yanked me back into a reality where I want to remember the details of a random Monday, walking her to school for the 150th time.  It reminded me to notice the way her curls fell down passed her shoulder and how she asked thoughtful questions about her 1st grade teacher.  It taught me to bottle up the feeling of her lips against my cheek when we said goodbye and to listen to the sound of her trendy little keychains as she took her confident stride inside the building.  Because these are all the little things that make up the big things; a “first” like learning how to do the monkey bars or a “last” like the final day of Kindergarten.  These are the daily gems that make up a whole life together and maybe the good stuff we’ll get to reflect back on when we’re in our 50’s, laying in bed half asleep…yearning to hear the sound of a 3 year old coming down the hall.

 

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