The following was overheard 30,000 feet in the air, somewhere over the East Coast, sometime between 12pm and 4pm…
Flight Attendant: “Here’s your wine, Ma’am. ”
Me: “Thank you. You can go ahead and keep the plastic cup.”
Flight Attendant: “No judgement here, Ma’am.”
The D Man: (After studying the same in-flight literature intensely and pointing to the airplane “landing” in water) “Boom! Airpane Boom! Boom Boom! Airpane go Boom!”
Me: “Yes, honey, okay, I see, enough now.”
The D Man: (Laughing now, standing on seat, hands in air) “Boom!!! Airpane Go Boom Boom!”
Me to Hubby (after reaching into the diaper bag): “Here’s the situation. We have one wipe left and one kid with a big poop in his diaper. Rock, paper, scissors?”
Me to Self (in airplane bathroom): There is not enough wine on this plane. There cannot be enough wine on this plane. (Plane proceeds to hit turbulence while hand meets poop.)
Me to Person in 22D who’s seat is in my lap along with my 1 year old: “Sir, would you mine just pushing the back of your seat up just a smudge? My three year old is under it and I can’t seem to grab her from this angle.”
Miss P to Me (airplane bathroom): “Mommy I don’t like the flush can I leave before you flush it?” Me to P: Sure honey, just let me…
Hubby (horrified) from seat 23C watching P. run up the aisle: “Kris! Why are her pants around her ankles??”
Me to Person in 22D: “Oh I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Not your hair. Ouch. I’m so sorry.”
Me to Person in 24D: “He tends to be a serial high-fiver” (after 6 rounds of high-five with The D Man.)
Me to Hubby: “For the amount our kids have flown it’s crazy they have never had an issue with ear popping. Hubby to Me: “Haven’t the 1914 Red Sox taught you ANYTHING??”
The following could be heard inside my head while traveling with 2 kids under 4 years…
- Why in God’s name are their no changing tables in the “Companion Care” or “Family” restrooms? Baffled.
- This kid is way too active to sit on a lap for three hours but there is no way I’m buying him a ticket until he’s exactly two years of age. No sooner.
- Lady, thank you so much for being accommodating sitting next to us but under no circumstances try to give my toddler gum while I’m not looking. Like, never.
- Oh flight attendant, when I asked you for a bottle of wine and a water each for the kids and you told me I’d have to pick two for now since we only officially had two seats, did you think there would be a chance in hell I would choose the two waters?
- I remembered to take out the lap time and the bottle, score. I forgot to take out her sippy cup. Subject to search. He’s asking me to hold the full said cup while he passes a piece of paper over it. Seriously what does that do?? I spilled it all over the inside of the diaper bag. The entire cup of sticky apple juice. We stare at each other which makes me laugh out loud. Still need to test it?
- How many times can we read his favorite Elmo book to pass the time? Twice. Awesome, that took 4 minutes. A hundred and seventy six minutes to go…