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TALES FROM BEHIND THE STIRRUPS: The dreaded post birth check up (PG-13)

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If you do not have lady parts stop reading right now.

I’m sharing this because no one ever talks about the mandatory 6-week Doctor appointment post birth.  I can’t speak for those who had a C-section but if a MACK truck came ripping out of your ass, well,

then this Bud’s for you. 

I was so excited to see the Doctor that delivered my baby.  You go through so much together; they are the ones that first hand you the amazing little person you’ve been waiting to meet for months.  You want to thank them with every fiber of your being.  But then she asks you to lay back and open your legs.  I tried, I really did.  My legs were locked shut.  It was being in that room, in that position, with the same Doctor that ripped a baby out of me…it all came flooding back.  She tried to coax me through it.  She had me take deep breaths.  We visualized sitting in a grassy pasture with cool wind in my hair and sun on my face.  Nothing worked.  I was having an all out panic attack.  She resorted to prying my legs open with her hands.  I am not kidding you.  She literally had to get up on that little step and put her whole body weight into spreading my knees apart.  Once they were down they began to shake so hard she had to wait a whole 5 minutes to do anything.  5 minutes is an eternity when you are in that position.  Doc then assures me that the speculum is no bigger than the average penis. She is holding up her pinky.  I thought she was kidding but right when I started to laugh I realized she had a serious expression on her face.  Poor woman.

After the ordeal is done I sit back up for the verdict.  And it’s one that you never, ever want to hear:  “Everything is functioning fine but there is one thing you should know….you have a floppy vagina.” 

Dear, God.

Tip: In case you ever find yourself in a similar situation, the treatment for F.V. syndrome (I just made that up so don’t Google it) is Kegel exercises.  And you do return to normal, promise.

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