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TALES FROM THE CONFESSIONAL

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A couple of days before I gave birth, I remember asking my mother the following question: “Will I love my baby as soon as she comes out?” I will never forget her brutally honest response. 

“Probably not. They take a full day of your life away from you…sometimes longer… while you writhe in pain.  And they come out screaming and bloody and slimy.  It takes a little while but you will soon love her more than anything else in this world.”  

I needed to hear that.  All anyone ever talks about is the amazing parts.  It’s that same type of brutal honesty that I like to give back.  So here it is, in black and white and a little slimy,

My True Confessions

, from pregnancy to Little Miss P’s 11th month of life. 

  • I had an all out melt down when I went to register for my baby shower.  I stepped one foot inside the Babies R Us, took a look at the breast pump accessories, and fell apart.  My sister had to compress me. 
  • I got a speeding ticket when I was 8 months pregnant  (Sorry, Mom).
  • Due to “Pregnancy Brain” at 9 months, I drove so far in the wrong direction home from work that I started seeing signs for Albany, NY.  I work in Massachusetts.  I really shouldn’t be allowed to drive.
  • This is me at 6 months feeling like a champ and owning pregnancy:

 WINNING

And this is me right before I gave birth.  I was a week overdue and huge.  I didn’t let anyone but my family see me.  I never got out of this bathrobe or these pajamas.  My back was killing me, I was tired, bloated, and miserable.  I wanted to hurt my husband for even having the camera out.  It looks like I’m smiling but really I’m planning his demise.  Stomachs should not be allowed to get this big.

  • Directly after giving birth I would get weirdly jealous if I heard someone else was pregnant.  I wanted to be the only person that had gone through the experience even if only for a little while.  Blame it on middle child syndrome.
  • When I was nursing I would melt a block of muenster cheese and eat it straight off the plate.  I’m lying, I still do this now. 

  • I buy Healthy Times Pumpkin Pie baby food with the intent of feeding it to Little Miss but end up eating it all myself.   ( Yummy Goodness)
  • Sometimes I fake a really long shower.  It’s the only true me time I have without my cell phone.  I love standing there with the water running over my head and staring at the wall.  This may sound sad and pathetic but I love every minute of it so please don’t feel bad for me.   Really.
  • People on the street will mistake P for a little boy but I don’t have the energy to correct them so I just pretend she is one.  She can send me her therapy bills later.
  • I enjoy getting the snot out of my daughter’s nose. 

  • I am guilty of buying everything on Diapers.com “Top Lists”

  • I still haven’t childproofed our condo. 
  • I still wear maternity jeans.

and finally,

  • More often than not I am drinking when writing this blog.
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