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TALES OF A DISGRUNTLED MAMA

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pet peeve; nounaparticularandoftencontinualannoyance;personal bugbear

(TOP FIVE)

1.  The jelly roll that I now call my stomach.  It just Won’t. Go. Away.  It doesn’t matter what I do.  I have an elliptical in my bedroom and actually use it.  I do sit-ups every night.  For Christ’s sake I OWN a yoga studio.  That jiggle is not budging. 

I’m c

onsidering sending out address cards.  “We’ve Moved!  John and Jane Jiggle are so excited to announce their new permanent residence at Kristin’s midsection.  Come by and see us!”

2.  The abundance of Dennison’s that come with everything you’ll ever buy for your child. 

Oh, you don’t know what a Dennison is?  Neither did I.  And then I got so annoyed by them that I

had

to look it up.  Here they are: 

Let this be a warning, if you buy anything kid related there are like 90 of these suckers attached to any damn product.  Here is what I was left with after buying ONE toy for Little Miss P :

Yes, a minor annoyance.  Except when you miss one and it ends up in your daughters sock and she screams bloody murder because something is poking at her foot. 

Do you see me?

 Mr. Dennison, I am not your fan.

3. Baby/Toddler Clothing.  What the hell is up?  It’s like the clothing companies got together and decided they were going to make sizes that would fit either baby midgets or Frank the Tank.  Here is a picture of 2 pairs of LMP’s pants, each  a different brand but BOTH sized 12 months:

4.  The statement: “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” after having a child.  Don’t ever let these words fall out of your mouth to a new mom unless their baby just did a triple Salchow on ice skates while reciting the alphabet backwards.

5.  Toys that randomly play music even after you hit “off.”  This is just plain creepy.  I once had a nightmare  where a Teddy Bear was screaming “HUG ME, LOVE ME” while holding a tea pot that was singing “TIME TO SHARE A SPOT OF TEA! ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR ME!”  All the while the Teddy Bear was trying to dodge a bowling ball that shrieked “ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT GENTLY AS CAN BE! ONCE YOU SPIN ROUND AND ROUND ITS FUN AS FUN CAN BE!”

I need therapy.

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