It’s 10pm on April 20th, 2012. A year ago today I was sleeping in my bed (on my left side, always) 4 days overdue with what I would soon learn was my Little Miss P. I’m nostalgic, and sad, and happy, all at once. I remember it like it was yesterday. 12:05am and I wake wide awake sitting straight up in bed. I think I have to take a big dump. I walk sleepily to the bathroom but nothing happens. Hmm, weird. I get back into bed…but something doesn’t feel right. I get out of bed again and start pacing the bedroom back and forth. My husband starts to snore. I start damning all men in all the universe. I want to be sleeping so deeply that I’m snoring. I haven’t slept that deeply since I was 5 months pregnant. I would love to say that what followed was my inner yoga kicked in, making me feel zen and ready to go. Not so much. I run to the bathroom again prepared for the biggest dump of my life. (When I relate this notion to my husband a few weeks later he deadpans “sexy”). Again, nothing. I grab my beloved bathrobe and wrap myself up. I start pacing the entire condo. I’m hungry. I open the refrigerator 4 times but can’t find anything I want to eat. All of a sudden my lower belly seizes and lurches forward. I stumble. holy shit. HOLY. SHIT. Contraction ONE and I’m brought to my knees!? I did not sign up for this. It happens again. I run to the bathroom to throw up, multiple times. Hubby wakes up and comes over to rub my back. I want to be male.
I’ve had two contractions and I’m ready to give up. (…little did I know I had 21 more hours of this.) We call the hospital in a panic. THIS HURTS GOD DAMN IT. Why does it hurt so soon? I thought it would be gradual? What happened to gradual!? I swear I am the only person ever to be in this amount of pain. The Doctor-On-Call tells me that he can hear me pacing and commands me to stop; that I need to save my energy. My teeth start to grind as I try to stay still. He asks me how far apart the contractions are and I answer about 12 minutes. He tries to convince me to stay home as long as possible because they will probably die down. No F’n Way. Sam and I are in the car in no time thinking we are having this baby in the next hour. It’s 4am and no one is on the road. I’ve heard stories where couples driving to the hospital reminisce about their care-free DINK (Double Income No Kid) lives and wonder how it would all be different soon. Not so much. My mind is completely blank; a sheet of white pain seizing my body every 10 minutes. Hubby pulls into the wrong entrance and I see panic in his eyes for the first time. I think to myself there is no way I can go through with this. We find the right entrance and the guard asks me if I want a wheelchair. No way. No how. I waddle into the waiting room and call my mom. I hear her sleepy voice and start to bawl. I want my mommy more than anything right now. She tells me how much she loves me and she’ll be by my side in 10 minutes. She gets there in 9. I am about to find out how much a daughter means to a mother.
The little things that make my heart melt…
Those two little curls that pop up over your ears
How you cuddle into my chest right before you fall asleep
When you kiss your dolls before bed and wave to them when you wake up
The sound of your breath when your in a deep sleep.
Those belly laughs.
That little bum.
When you’re being mischievous
Listening to you call “ya ya” when you look for me
The determined look on your face when you’re trying something new
And that big open-mouth smile ever since you were born
You are the best thing I’ve ever done.
Happy 1st Birthday Little Miss Paigely Baker Quinn.