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Mommyhood

TALES FROM THE UNDERBELLY (R)

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It probably doesn’t make sense to read this if you are pregnant or wish to be soon.  Just sayin.

Although I sure as hell wished someone had told me after delivery I’d be soaking in a Sitz bath, taking stool softener every hour and wearing enormous maxi pads in old lady underwear like an 8th grader, I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. I was too busy planning my playlist for the hospital and making sure I had cute post-delivery outfits packed.  Little did I know I was about to have the most UN-glamorous experience of my life.

5 things that surprised the crap out of me after giving birth:

Did you know you can’t be moved from the delivery room to the postpartum room until you pee in front of the nurse?  Oh yea, you have to PROVE you can go.  Let me tell ya the last thing you feel like doing after giving birth to a MAC truck is getting up from bed, walking the 5 miles to the bathroom and then sitting down on a cold toilet in front of a nurse while she waits until you go.  I felt like my insides might fall right down into the toilet.  My pride already had.

Speaking of surprising the crap out of me: You’ll most likely be backed up for a week dreading this.  You’ll probably Google it and see buzz words like “Perineum” “Bowel-Movement” and “Anal cleansing.”  All of these words are horrifying and so is the first time you go.  Just know that it will pass (pun completely intended).  It’s going to happen and the more you fight it, the worse you’ll feel.  Don’t forget to take your stool softeners.  So hot, right?

Just seeing this bottle gives me the shivers.

You have to use a squirt bottle to clean yourself for 4 days after giving birth.  A SQUIRT BOTTLE, people.  I think I’ll just let this one resonate.

The nurses will give you the most dreadful looking disposable underwear to wear in the hospital.  It’s like wrapping yourself in an ace bandage.  You will look at them with sad eyes and wonder if you will ever get to wear your pretty little hanky pankies again.  But you will miss these granny panties when you get home.  They are just so

convenient.

You will soak in a sitz bath to feel “better” about your hemorrhoids.  But really this will make you feel 90 and defeated.  I remember having the nurse check me out Day 2 in the hospital.  I rolled back over and she handed me this contraption.  I looked at her like she was crazy “What is this for?” She replied, “Hemorrhoids.”  To which I replied “But I don’t HAVE hemorrhoids.”  To which she replied, “Yes…. ya do.” I watched as my pride sunk into a round pot for the second time.

For my preggo’s that decided to read this entry anyway:

A year ago today I was 4 weeks postpartum celebrating Mother’s Day by sitting on a doughnut pillow, getting my boobs gnawed on, and crying at every Tide commercial. This year I was greeted in the morning by an endearing 1 year old holding flowers showing me how to sniff them, a lively discussion using her three favorite words: (“apple” “dog” and “up”), and the most delicious nose kisses before bed.  The hemorrhoids were worth it. 

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