You know how in movies when newborn babies come out of their mothers and look like beautiful cherubs with perfect features? Yea well those babies are actually 7 month old paid actors. And they are doing a disservice to new moms expecting to see the Gerber Baby emerge from their crotch. Newborns actually look like Gremlins. And after a couple of weeks it gets worse, not better. This surprised me. Because who talks about how nasty a baby is at first? I mean, why would you? Welcome to my blog.
While all of the below is real and happens, after a few months you will get that angelic baby… don’t you worry.
THE NEWBORN NASTIES:
– Your newborn will probably get acne. So. Bad. Like worse than any adolescent you’ve seen. Worse than the images you see in Proactive commericals. You won’t want to leave the house. You’ll feel like you are the only one with a pimply baby. You will call your pediatrician. You will have nightmares of acne scarring on those sweet baby cheeks for weeks.
– Your newborn will have a black slash purple slash bloody belly button that will have its own zip code. You will pray for the day it falls off. And then it does and you will freak out. Because you will be left with this mass of nastiness you don’t know whether to frame or throw away.
– You will find “dust bunnies” of old lint in between their toes and fingers. Every single day if not every hour. It’s kind of hard to stay on top of.
– Your newborn will have enough wax coming out of their ears you could start your own candle company; specializing in orange candles.
– Your newborn will most likely get a condition called Cradle Cap which I deemed Cradle Crap. Their heads will be covered in yellow scales that you will sit around for hours and pick off. Maybe that was just me. I’m a total picker so having a newborn with all of these conditions was kind of a dream to me. Weird, right?
Extra bonus Cradle Crap tip: Wipe it with a little olive oil, let it sit, and then wash it off. Repeat every couple days.
– They will get milk in their neck folds that you won’t discover until days later. Your baby will reek of curdled milk and you won’t know why. Peel apart their skin folds and you’ll discover the culprit.
– Your newborns fingernails will constantly have black dirt under them. Do you know what this is from? YOU. It’s all of the dirt that you don’t see on your own body that collects under their nails. Isn’t that awesome?
– Poop. Everywhere. Under the balls. Over the balls. Inside vaginal folds. Up the back. Down the leg. You will not believe how much shit comes out of a newborn and where it can end up. Brace yourself.
So there you have it: Acne, Bloody Belly Buttons, Earwax, Scaly Heads, Cheese Necks, Dirty Appendages and Feces. Good times, right?!
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