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TALES FROM MY (POTTY) MOUTH: Why My Toddler Says Shit. A lot.

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If you are used to swearing everyday it’s very hard to switch this instinct off.  I have the mouth of a trunk-driver. Sure, I scaled it back a bit when Little Miss was born but an occasional expletive still slips out here and there.  I said the word

shit

twice in Little Miss P’s presence and it was just in time for her to become a verbal copy-cot.  The first time I let it slip I was in Target with her.  She loves to ride in the shopping cart when we go grocery shopping.  Target has these massive double seated cart options for moms with multiple kids.  P spots this and insists she be put in it.  We’ll call it the B.A.C. (Big Ass Cart).  She stomps her feet and points at it shaking her head yes so hard I think it’s going to pop off.  After about a minute of trying to persuade her to get into the normal sized carts I see her wedge herself

under

the B.A.C., belly down.  

F*ck it

I think to myself and strap her in it.  Mind you we are at Target to pick up one pack of diapers.  Yes, 1 pack; an item that easily fits in one of those small little red baskets.  Do you know how hard it is to push a B.A.C. with nothing in it to weigh it down?  Plus it looks absolutely ridiculous pushing it completely empty. This is a picture of half of the B.A.C., I would have needed a wide ass lens to capture the second row of seats.

So with P smiling from ear to ear, off we go, slow as molasses.  In order to make it to the baby section I had to turn the cart twice and with each turn put all of my weight into it.  I literally stepped on the back bar and leaned my body into the handle bar.  The thing has a turning radius of a Mack Truck.  Not to mention it sounded like a male rabbit in heat with all of the squeaking and moaning.

After mistakenly missing the diaper aisle I tried to pull it back and turn it quickly but it was too late.  Instead I did a pile drive into a  free standing display of boxes.  Naturally, I responded with a “

SHIT

!” and proceeded to pick up the kiddie potty’s (never registering the irony of that until just now.)  

The second time I let an expletive out of my mouth around Miss P was when I had a full cup of water on the ottoman and spilled it all over the floor.  I let out a quick “

shit

” under my breath and then did a quick glance over at her, hoping she didn’t catch it.  P looked at the water … looked at me…looked back down at the water…. and what do you know but out comes a long drawn out “

SHIIIIT

” from my precious little 15 month old.  That’s what it took for me to become the worst mother ever.

And now it’s constant. If I even slightly bump into anything at all it’s “

Shit

this” and “

Shit

that” from her mouth.  She knows exactly when to say it and how to say it.  She event points and gives a definitive nod when she does it.  I’m totally screwed.  People are starting to notice.  The other day we were at a restaurant and the waiter spilled a little water on our table.  P pointed at it and yelled “SHIT” while looking up at him innocently.  I went into spin control while his chin touched his chest. “Yes honey that’s right, he

WILL

slip if he’s not careful.” (I got a mouthed high five from hubby on that recovery).  We went to the pediatrician recently and he asked how many words I thought she had.  I turned bright red and replied “She says

shit

all the time, okay?”  To which he burst out laughing and looked down at P.  And wouldn’t you know with a big grin she nods and proudly says “

Shit

” right to his face. Still laughing he turns to me and says “Watch out with this one, you’ve got yourself a handful.”  Thanks Doc, that’s really helpful.

Signed,

Mortified

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