There will come a time when you just can’t find a sitter and you have to go to your annual check-up. You will bring your baby with you to the OBGYN and hope to God she behaves. You will play 15 different games in the waiting room because your OBGYN is always late. When you resort to letting your child rip every page out of PARENTS magazine your name will finally be called and you will follow the nurse into the 10’x10′ exam room. She will ask you to step on the scale and your toddler will scream bloody murder because she thinks you are about to be executed…
“Little Miss P, everything is okay, mama is just getting weighed! Look, it’s SO fun!” All the while thinking
holy shit if she thinks THIS looks scary wait until I’m lying prone with a floating talking head above my waist.
The nurse leaves and tells me it won’t be long. 15 minutes later (2 hours in Toddler Time) I’ve let Little Miss have the run of the room. The OBGYN opens the door to the following scene: gloves strewn across the room, a white paper sheet originally covering the exam table ripped to confetti pieces, 2 stirrup covers draped over Little Miss’s shoes, and her sitting on the floor eagerly flipping through a pamphlet on Spyhllis. (Don’t judge me, it had the most pictures.) The OBGYN stops in her tracks and whispers “Oh, My.” Had she come in 5 minutes earlier she would have witnessed her cross-section uterus model getting violated by Elmo:
Have you ever noticed how eerily sensitive and perceptive children can be? Little Miss P. knew right away that this was not going to be a pleasant experience. She looks up at the OBGYN and immediately runs to me, gripping my legs. There was no way I could leave her loose in the room for this exam so I strapped her into the stroller and wheeled her up by my head. When I put my feet in the stirrups, her face broke.
Believe me kid, this is worse for me than it is for you.
I wrack my brain for a game I can play with just the top half off my body. All I can think of is The Wheels On The Bus. If getting your privates examined isn’t embarrassing enough, let me tell you what doesn’t help the situation: swaying your arms back and forth and singing “Swish Swish Swish…All through the town!”