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TALES OF HYPOCRISY: GLASS HOUSES & BARE CHESTS

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“People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.”

Hello, my name is Mommy and I am a total f’n hypocrite.  Here is where I tell you all of the things I thought pre-pregnancy and/or pre-baby (hereafter known as PP&/B) and how all of that changed after getting pregnant and giving birth (AP&/B).  To break the ice let me just begin by confessing that I do most of my thinking for this blog in the shower.  Sometimes I run out of it butt naked and write down my thoughts; like just now.

PP&/B

: I wanted to use a taser gun on Moms who used baby talk in public.  You know that high pitched annoying voice that narrates everything the kid does? I used to buzz around the supermarket priding myself on getting all groceries in the cart within 30 minutes flat.  Once in awhile I’d take a shortcut thru the baby aisle and get stuck behind a mother doing some sort of skit with her kid. “Oh YES Johnny those ARE the diapers you wear, GOOD FOR YOU. And yes they have kangaROOS on them and kangaROOS jump like THIS! (proceeds to jump like a dumbass kangaroo) HOP HOP HOP”  Now can you go ahead and put them in the cart for Maaa-Maaaa?!”  Hurl.

AP&B

: I am now this deranged mother.  Not just at the supermarket; everywhere we go.  It’s incessant and I can’t stop myself.  On Monday I was walking through the city around 10am, strolling Little Miss along the water.  Right in the middle of me shouting: “Look Look, there are TWO birds, that’s right TWO!  Oh my and an AIRPLANE wayyyy up high.  Can you stretch your arms WAYYY up high!?” I noticed a couple of guys in suits drinking coffee and discussing work.  My annoying voice in juxtaposition to that adult conversation made me want to take a billy club to my own knees. 

PP&/B

: I told myself I would NEVER allow kid music in the car.  My sister has 2 kids and every time we visit their was always some obnoxious kid-song playing.   Hubby and I would leave having full on discussions about how we would never allow this to happen to us.  We loved our music too much.  And WE would teach our dear baby how to love the likes of Aerosmith, Pearl Jam, Bob Marley, and Dave Matthews.

AP&/B

:  Not only do we have every toddler soundtrack under the sun, we rock out to it even when Miss P. isn’t around.  In fact, the other night right before I fell asleep I think I heard Hubby softly sing  “Rain Rain Go Away” to put himself to sleep.

PP&/B

: I watched a very pregnant woman have a glass of wine at a restaurant and proceeded to judge the living crap out of her with my eyes.  I gave her the death stare and maybe even pointed once or twice.

AP&/B

: 6 months pregnant and I’m drinking a half a glass of wine every single Friday night until my due date.  (And still ended up with a really smart kid.  That just happens to love saying

shit

all the time.)

POT. KETTLE. BLACK.

PP&/B

: I used to roll my eyes at women that were germ-a-phobic with their kids.  Like, Jesus Christ lady it’s a dollar bill not a syringe, why don’t you buy him a bubble to live in while you’re at it.

AP&/B

: I am a sanitizing junkie.  When P was an infant I bought a separate type of wipe for her butt, hands, nose, nails, bottles, and pacifiers all the while thinking they should make special baby sanitizing wipes for strollers and toys and cribs!  Oh, my.  I would greet people at the door with a bottle of hand sanitizer.  When Hubby gently suggested this might be a little too forward I instead left it on the table, right in front of the couch.  What I  really wanted to do was put a big sign on it that read: “WHETHER YOU JUST WENT TO THE BATHROOM, TOUCHED MONEY OR BREATHED IN AIR PLEASE COAT YOUR HANDS IN THIS SHIT MULTIPLE TIMES AND LET ME WATCH YOU.  THANKS, THE MANAGEMENT.

PP&/B

: Whenever I saw a toddler throw a temper-tantrum in public I immediately thought the parents were total failures.  Get a grip on your kid, would ya?

AP&/B

: There is literally nothing you can do once your toddler throws herself into a downward spiraling tantrum.  I’m reading this book where they suggest you mimic your child’s frustration on her level – bang your fists in the air, stomp your feet, scream “I want it now!” so she knows you understand where she is coming from.  If not being able to control your child’s fit isn’t embarrassing enough, stooping to her level and faking your own tantrum certainly doesn’t help the situation.  Epic Fail. 

PP&/B

: God it was annoying when new parents got so excited about their own kid’s small accomplishments. Awesome. Johnny peed on the pot. I’m so excited for you I could burst.  Can we all go back to our lives now?  Cool.  Mary learned how to wave.  I’m beside myself with glee.  Want a cookie?

AP&/B

: We threw a soiree when Miss P. learned  that her sippy drink goes in the cup holder on her highchair.  We took pictures with our phone and sent them to everyone we knew.  We even called our parents on Skype to show them live what she now mastered.

Sidenote: I think we’ve created a monster.  Miss P. now claps for herself and shouts “Chob” for “Good Job” after every little thing she does.  Oops.

PP&/B

: I thought I would only MAKE all of my own organic baby food.  And I actually did this for about 2 months when Miss P was learning how to eat solid foods.

AP&/B

: I peel her a banana and pat myself on the back.

And there you have it folks.  Miss Judgy Judgerton herself ends up being the hypocrite.  (Now that it’s off my chest I guess that makes my chest both figuratively

and

literally bare right now.)

I’m pleased to announce that Quinny has offered to give away a Moodd Stroller in Black Irony worth, wait for it, $700, to one of my Facebook Fans.  (I happen to have this stroller and love it.  Except I get a little bitter when it gets more attention than my baby.)  I’m going to make you work for it while allowing you an opportunity to get shit off your chest, too.  Post your

PP&/B – AP&/B

hypocritical thoughts on my Facebook Page and you will be automatically entered to win.  If you had the same thoughts as any of the above feel free to use one of those.  If you have your own you’d like to share, go for it.  You can post as many as you’d like but your name will be entered into the drawing once. And don’t worry my SINKS & DINKS (Single Income No Kids or Double Income No Kids) you can play along too.  Tell me what you think is the most annoying thing new parents do.  Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be that parent.

The contest will be live for 2 weeks with the winner announced on Friday September 28th.

So go ahead, get it off your chest.  Posting naked purely optional.

Good luck!   

www.facebook.com/misadventuresinmommyhood

http://www.quinny.com/us-en/products/strollers/mooddus

www.facebook.com/quinny

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