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A TALE OF TEN POSTPARTUM DEBACLES

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I was sitting with a bunch of friends the other night – all 1st or 2nd time moms* – and a discussion of all the crazy things that happen after birth erupted like wildfire.  I like engaging in these talks because it helps you feel less alone.  When you’re locked inside keeping a tiny human alive it’s isolating; it’s hard not to let your mind get the best of you.  On top of that people don’t typically talk about this stuff which can also contribute to the feeling you are the only one going through it.  So here is our attempt at helping you feel normal, my dear recent Postpartum’ers…

*This list was published with the permission of said moms. Wine was consumed.

1. You Might Stink.

Two letters= B.O.  We don’t know why, but it happens. Is it because you are sitting there producing milk all day like a big fat cow?  Maybe.  Is it because you forgot to put deodorant on?  Most likely.

2. You Might Bleed, Constantly (And For What Seems Like A Long Time.)

It’s pretty nasty the amount of old blood you shed after giving birth.  And right when you think it’s going to stop, it doesn’t.  Oh and did you know they recommend not using a tampon after shooting a kid out of your vajay?  So you are walking around with a huge pad on feeling like you’re 12 in a 7th grade locker room.  “You look like a middle-schooler…and you smell like one too.

3. You Might Have Zero Sex Drive.

Because what part about the  aforementioned is sexy?  And do you wear an unsightly nursing bra during sex or just risk squirting your partner in the eye? Estrogen is low, ahem.  You’re exhausted.  You’re starving.  You’ve been gnawed at.  Spit up on.  Seen more poop than an outhouse.  But…let’s do it?

4. You Might Fear The Night.

You dread the night because of the unknown and the crazy constant questions your mind derives like:  When are they waking up?  Why aren’t they waking up? Are they getting enough sleep?  Are they getting too much sleep? Are they breathing too hard?  Are they breathing too soft?  Should I wake them up just to change a wet diaper? Should I wake them up to fix the swaddle?  Should I wake them up to put the pacifier back in?  Should I wake them up to nurse?? Will I lose milk production if I don’t???  Why am I saying the word production at 2 o’clock in the morning!?? And so on.

5. Your Shower Might = Cousin-It’s Barbershop.

You lose a shit-ton of hair and here’s why – you don’t lose hair when you’re pregnant so the accumulation of that tends to come out in clumps post pregnancy.  You swear you see bald spots and have also contracted a rare disease.

Addams-Family-Cousin-Itt-addams-family-5684028-356-288

6.  You Might Not Stop Staring…At The Monitor

You stare into the lifeless soul of that baby monitor until your eyes bleed.  Is your baby awake?  Nope. But you are.  You’re bug-eyed looking into that thing like it’s the most interesting thing you’ve seen in your fucking life.

7.  You Might Lose The Ability To Put Real Clothes On

The thought of anything but elastic waistbands and hooded sweatshirts touching your skin  is offensive.  Don’t even come at me with a pair of thongs.

8.  You Might Be An Emotional Roller Coaster

You start bawling when your husband asks how your day went.  You start laughing hysterically at inappropriate things like “Paris Judicial Police Chief Facing Charges Over Leak Probe.”  He said Leak. And PROBE!!  This happens because you’re down right delirious.

9.  You Might Not Get Anything Done

You put a bill in an enveleope but don’t stamp it.  You write an email but forget to hit send.  You make yourself lunch to leave it in the microwave.  You go to call back a friend but can’t find your phone.  You go to pee but realize you’re out of toilet paper.  You write “toilet paper” on a list that you’ll never bring to the store. Just when you contemplate using a paper towel the baby starts crying.  (Better luck peeing tomorrow.)

10.  You Might Google Everything.

Like…Why is my newborns poop green? What is the right ratio for hind milk to fore milk? What is fore milk? Why does my baby’s bellybutton smell like fish? Why do I smell after giving birth? Why am I bleeding so much after giving birth?  Will I ever feel like having sex again after birth? Why am I losing so much hair after birth? Is staring at a monitor for hours bad for your eyes?

{You get the picture.}

 

– MIM –

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