When it’s 90 degrees out and you take your kids to the playground but after 5 minutes they both head back to the car saying it’s too hot, your next stop is an indoor bouncy castle kingdom. It’s the next stop because the sign reads: “It’s Hot and we have AC.” You then get inside and realize it’s actually only the lobby that features AC but you spend the $28 bucks anyway (yes please we’ll take three pairs of overpriced socks, who wears socks in summer?) because there’s no turning back now.
Inside you start to run after your 22 month old because my God he could really get hurt in here chasing his 4 year old sister but then you see said sister 30 feet up in the air about to go down a slide that looks like the vertical on Space Mountain and you think how the hell did she…But your train of thought is broken because there he is trying to follow her up the ladder and before you know what’s happening he’s in the crook of your left arm and your climbing up a shitty excuse for a rope with your right one. All the while your newly pedicured toes are digging into something hard that’s supposed to be a ladder you think but it’s meant for tiny feet and your grip never materilizes so you slip down two rungs but catch yourself before barreling over backwards and manage to hold onto your kid so tight you pull a muscle in your left arm. So now he’s at the top alone because you tossed him up there and you feel like a fool as you scramble and yell “Wait for Mama! Wait for Mama!” catching him right before he’s about to go ass over tea kettle…you shove him on your lap and close your eyes, trying not to lose the breakfast you forgot to eat and when you finally feel the little blast of hot air at the bottom you think to yourself Is this what their calling ‘AC” those cheap F…” but they are off again and onto a flat part in this giant plastic hole and speaking of holes they manage to crawl into an impossibly small one so you sit and wait it out for 25 seconds closing your eyes. When you open them an 18 year attendant is looking down at you and quietly judging you for trying to take a micro nap or also maybe because you are so out of breath he’s concerned.
As I’m watching The D Man try to wedge through two large blow-up poles double his size I think to myself is he really enjoy this? Or could this be a toddler’s worst nightmare? Unstable ground, unknown territory, steep drops, the smell of fake air, sweaty bodies and plastic. Oh wait no….nope. It’s just mine.
PS: AFTER the bouncy house debacle I needed to take the 3 of us to the Doctor’s office. Not because I ripped my arm out of the socket or because I needed to be treated for a severe panic attack…but because I was eaten alive by a swarm of mosquitoes (which I happen to be allergic to) the night before. The itch was so bad I could no longer take it. They prescribed a steroid to help with the bites and then warned “It may give you bursts of unexpected energy…”
Thanks Bud. Could have used that AN HOUR AGO.