Listen, I’m not trying to be a curmudgeon. Watching kids get dressed up and do pretend fantasy is super cute. I know this because I watch it everyday in my basement. Halloween in our house is code for “Let’s torture Mom and change what we want to be 5 times before the actual event.” Or, “Let’s see how long she can spend on the computer trying to find that obscure character Disney hasn’t signed a licensing deal with yet.” Or my personal favorite “Let’s not tell her what we want to be for Halloween but when a costume shows up let’s vehemently deny it.” I don’t blame them. This is what Halloween will do to a kid. The pressure of choosing one costume for one day can be downright stressful in a (first-world) child’s life. And what about the night terrors? Good luck visiting a store without passing a menacing laugh from a stuffed witch or a skeleton that looks like it could suck the life out of you. That’s the stuff that imprints on sensitive young minds and (quite literally) comes back to haunt you at 2 in the morning. There hasn’t been a night in October that I’m not convincing a crying child that ghosts aren’t real and spiders don’t get as big as people. We go from pink fluffy clouds and summer rainbows to Freddie Cougar pyscho killer real fast. Oh and the treats. It’s only MID October do we have to have chocolate covered popcorn balls for snack? Candy corn at the neighbor’s party, thrown lollipops at the town parade, practice trick or treat runs at retail shops – I need to peel my kids off the ceiling most nights. But yes let’s certainly prime the pump for the sugar tsunami that will happen on the 31st. Bah! I almost forgot: the 31st. After succumbing to the demands of wearing virtually nothing in 30 degree weather we watch as our kid’s ask for candy from complete strangers; the exact opposite message we preach 364 days of the year. I KNOW. I know. You can assume what my Halloween costume will be this year –
But look – the kids would never know I don’t like Halloween. I’ve hung up about 10 different Halloween-inspired arts and crafts projects. I’m hosting the neighborhood pot-luck Halloween party which means I’ll have to endure all sorts of annoyingly-creative dishes from Pinterest that will put my meatballs served in a crock pot to shame. I placed mini pumpkins in a circular shape around the entrance to our house (that someone keeps messing with and putting into a square shape by the way, is it you?) I totally relax on the no-candy rule. Hell I even bought a gourd. But between you and me and the decorated lamp post?
I can’t wait for this holiday to be over.
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